 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
In association with The Great British Duck Race
THE CATWEAZLE
CHARITY TOAD RACE
Benefitting The City Varieties Leeds (on behalf of Robin) and The Manchester Royal Infirmary Pancreatitus Support Group
THE ROBIN DAVIES MEMORIAL TROPHY
FOR
The club has now changed The Touchwood Trophy to The Robin Davies Memorial Trophy, in honour and remembrance of dear Robin. The Toad race will take place on the river Thames on Sunday 5th September 2010 along with the Great British Duck Race. This race is held each year, and each year it just gets bigger. It currently holds the world record for the most number of ducks to take part in any race around the world and hopes to break it's own record again this year. We are very lucky to be allowed to share this occassion with the sponsors and organisers of this event and we hope that everyone will join in the fun.
From this year on, the toad race will be an all charity affair, with ALL proceeds going to our club charity plus another charity which will be raised on behalf of Robin.
Robin worked hard, every year at the City Varieties in Leeds, and wrote the Christmas shows there for the past 20 years. It was a very important and enjoyable part of his life and his wife and family have asked if we can send all donations and proceeds to the restoration of this great theatre. It is hoped that a dressing room will be named after him when all the renovations are complete. It is something that Robin would have approved of and applauded. So please helps us achieve our aim of raising a minimum of £1000 in his honour.
The tickets are £10 each. This gives you entry in to 3 races - the duck race, the toad race and a balloon race that we hope to do as a reflection of the 40th anniversary of the filming of the second Catweazle series, where Catweazle finally flies in his hot air balloon.
The Pancreatitus Support Trust is the clubs main charity as without the trust, Gary would have probably died and without Gary the ball would not have started rolling on towards the formation of our club. It is a little know charity that needs as much support as it can possibly get. Pancreatitus is a killer and there is not as much information and help with this condition as with other illnesses, so this is another worthy cause.
From this year on, the toad race will be an all charity affair, with ALL proceeds going to our club charity plus another charity which will be raised on behalf of Robin.
Robin worked hard, every year at the City Varieties in Leeds, and wrote the Christmas shows there for the past 20 years. It was a very important and enjoyable part of his life and his wife and family have asked if we can send all donations and proceeds to the restoration of this great theatre. It is hoped that a dressing room will be named after him when all the renovations are complete. It is something that Robin would have approved of and applauded. So please helps us achieve our aim of raising a minimum of £1000 in his honour.
The tickets are £10 each. This gives you entry in to 3 races - the duck race, the toad race and a balloon race that we hope to do as a reflection of the 40th anniversary of the filming of the second Catweazle series, where Catweazle finally flies in his hot air balloon.
The Pancreatitus Support Trust is the clubs main charity as without the trust, Gary would have probably died and without Gary the ball would not have started rolling on towards the formation of our club. It is a little know charity that needs as much support as it can possibly get. Pancreatitus is a killer and there is not as much information and help with this condition as with other illnesses, so this is another worthy cause.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
HOW YOU CAN HELP AND TAKE PART
We have 500 toads all ready and waiting for sponsorship. You can sponsor as many toads as you like. Sponsorship per toad is £10. But remember this not only enables you to enter into the toad race, it also gives you entry into the duck race and the chance to win £10,000! It also gives you entry into the balloon race later this year.
When you sponsor your toad, you must name him or her, and if you wish you can add a description about your charges. This was a real success last year and caused a lot of friendly banter on the forum amongst the participants.
You can pay by paypal or by sending a cheque, payable to Carol Barnes and send it to 68, Sunningdale Road, Worthing West Sussex BN13 2NE.
When you sponsor your toad, you must name him or her, and if you wish you can add a description about your charges. This was a real success last year and caused a lot of friendly banter on the forum amongst the participants.
You can pay by paypal or by sending a cheque, payable to Carol Barnes and send it to 68, Sunningdale Road, Worthing West Sussex BN13 2NE.
WHAT YOUR £10 GOES TOWARD
.
£4 - Enters you into the Toad Race (all proceeds go to charity of which at least £1000 will be classed as a donation from the individual members who wish to remember Robin)
£2 - Enters you into the Duck Race (a condition of us being allowed to enter our toads) and will go to charity.
£2 - Enters you into the Balloon Race
£2 - Goes towards prize money for the winners in the toad and balloon races -
£4 - Enters you into the Toad Race (all proceeds go to charity of which at least £1000 will be classed as a donation from the individual members who wish to remember Robin)
£2 - Enters you into the Duck Race (a condition of us being allowed to enter our toads) and will go to charity.
£2 - Enters you into the Balloon Race
£2 - Goes towards prize money for the winners in the toad and balloon races -
PRIZE MONEY
At this stage, we hope naturally to get ALL the toads adopted. If we manage to do this the prize money for the Toad Race will be as follows:
IST prize - £250
Plus the Robin Davies Memorial Trophy - this trophy has a beautiful Red Welsh Dragon and plaque mounted on wood.
2ND prize - £150
3RD prize - £100
IST prize - £250
Plus the Robin Davies Memorial Trophy - this trophy has a beautiful Red Welsh Dragon and plaque mounted on wood.
2ND prize - £150
3RD prize - £100
The prizes for the balloon race may be similar, although we have yet to work this out. Much depends on the amount of sponsors we get as only then can we see just exactly what we have available.
SO PLEASE START RIGHT NOW
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR ROBIN AND OUR CHARITY AND GET SPONSORING YOUR TOADS RIGHT NOW - THEY ARE ALL SITTING HERE WAITING PATIENTLY FOR YOU TO SET THEM FREE.
SO PLEASE START RIGHT NOW
SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR ROBIN AND OUR CHARITY AND GET SPONSORING YOUR TOADS RIGHT NOW - THEY ARE ALL SITTING HERE WAITING PATIENTLY FOR YOU TO SET THEM FREE.
Any Questions? - email Carol on carol@cotthouse.freeserve.co.uk
PARTICIPATING TOADS SO FAR
1. THE GENERAL
Distinguished officer in the TA (Toad Army) expert in the field - and not bad in the pond either!
2. LADY LAVINIA (don't call me Lav...) LONGSHANKS
Twin sister to last years winner Lady Letitia (now retired from all competitive events and social activities after her failed love affair with James Fortescue-Smythe in Devon.) He couldn't stand the stinking cigars and boozy excesses! Lady Lav on the other hand (oops sorry- Lady Lavinia) is rather more refined, although certainly not afraid to let her self go under the right circumstances. There are things in her past that she prefers not to talk about, so she's a bit of an unknown quantity. Let's see if she matches up to her sister!
3. KING LEAR
A veritable veteran to stand in awe of. Has delusions of grandeur, but not quite lost his marbles completely yet!
4. WESLEY SNETTERTON
A middle-aged toad who loves knitting! An unfortunate medical condition has earned him the name of "Windy Wesley" or, more cruelly knit one, pearl one, drop one Snetterton!!
5. THE REVERAND THADDEUS (tad for short) POLE
Local vicar of Great Weed-on-the Water parish pond. Did a remarkable impression of Madonna when called upon at the local talent contest - some suggested he has missed his true vocation!
6. ADAM
Young, good looking toad hoping to do well in the race this year.
7. SOPHIE
Sister to Adam, lovely girl who is a natural swimmer and will be one to watch out for!
8. GROUCHY
A miserable old sod, first cousin to Giant Hogweed, despite being close relatives, they have always detested one another. Each one was furious to learn that the other had entered the race. It will be "flippers at dawn" Watch out for the ensuing slime-bath.
9. GIANT HOGWEED
Oh yes, he's back (Gawd 'elp us) and determined to do well after his poor showing last year and desperate to reclaim at least some of his former dignity (aw please!!!) Not so cocky this time after having to put up with lots of snide remarks from his former underlings. Won't last though - he never learns.
10. GLORIA BICKERSDYKE
Stout and robust! A champion wood-louse hurler and a member of the ladies ant-spitting team. Be afraid! Be very afraid - she means business!
11. PERCY
Or "Pugnacious Perce" as he is better known in toad society. A real barnstormer with a nose for trouble. A force to be reckoned with never the less!
12. AGGIE
She has not got a CV - what does that tell you!! Just for the record though, she has rolled up her sleeves, flexed her not inconsiderable biceps and is wearing a face that would terrify Hannibal Lecter! - eeeek
13. KUHLWALDA
A close relative of Touchwood, he's back again to try to uphold the family name!
14. CLIMER
Comes from the tropical rain forests and will be here on holiday in September, so thought he would "have a go" in the Thames race.
15. BLACKBERRY
She is a thoroughly modern toad and has all the latest gadgets. Very snappy dresser and likes the thought of a challenge.
16. JUMPER
Rather large toad, but that doesn't stop him in the entering the competition. It's all muscle he said - yeah right!
17. TOADIE
Toadie by name, toadie by nature! A bit of a sneaky one this. He will stop at nothing to win, by foul means or fair!
18. RICHARD
Richard owns a little shop down the high street, called "Dick's Delights." No toad bakes a better bloomer than Dick and his strawberry tarts are out of this world.
19. HOPE
A sweet generous little toad. She loves swimming, and hopes to do well, but such is her nature, she will be delighted to just take part, winning to her isn't everything.
20. ESMERALDA
A bit of a gypsy this girl. She wanders from town to town with her little band of performing toads. Cross her little webbed foot with silver and she will tell you your fortune.
21. PEPPER
Hails from the south of Italy, so his friends call him Pepperoni! Typical swarthy good looking toad. Walks with a bit of a swagger! His eye for the ladies could be a bit of a draw back, his concentration on race day will be elsewhere!!
22. MOONLIGHT
Moonlight is a bit of a crooner in the local pub. Sounds relatively pleasant until the locals ply her with vodka. The act rapidly goes down hill after that.
23. PAUL GORDON
A shy silent type that hails from Bonny Scotland. This young toad from North of the border thinks actions speak louder than words - watch out come race day!
24. WATER LILY SAVAGE
She's a bit of a tarty type, rather common but thinks she will win hands down! Trouble is once that big blonde wig gets wet water lily dear - I'm not so sure!
25. TOAD O'GRADY
Has many similarities to water lily above, but thinks he has a fighting chance of winning as Bobbing Buster is his trainer.
26. PIGEON TOAD
Lacking in grace on the land and is rather a shy toad BUT once in the water he's a lean, mean, swimming machine and toadally awesome!!
27. S'TOAD AWAY
Likes to travel on the cheap - overseas usually. Loves to mingle but will probably keep a low profile until the start of the race! - Could that be because the Sweeney Toad is after you for not paying your fare old bean!!
28. JOLANDE
Jolande is a remarkable lady. She finds time to look after Hans her husband and her children and yet still finds time to train for this prestigious event. She won't be traveling here just to enjoy the scenery folks - she means business!
29. JESSIE
Young Jesse is Hans' daughter. She is so impressed with Jolande's determination, that she wants to have a go herself - well done.
30. PIM
Well, not to be missed out, Pim, son of Hans, wants to be included in all the fun, so he has taken up extra training sessions under the watchful eye of Walter Webfoot one of the country's finest swimmers! He is going to give his sister a run for her money! He is not sure that he can match Jolande though!
31. DRONGO
Little Aussy toad, maybe two sandwiches short of a picnic BUT boy can he swim, King of the billabongs. Can he cope with the Thames though? We will see!
32. RIPPER and 33. BONZA
Two lovely boys, also from down under. They auditioned once for the musical "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert" but were disappointed to hear that they weren't actually going to wear a tiara so decided to give it a miss!
34. DAPHNE FARQUAHARSON
Don't be fooled by the posh name, this girl is rather common actually. Her party piece is quoting the most vulgar limericks she can come up with - quite disgraceful (apart from the one that started "There was a young toady called Tilly......... I won't say anymore!)
35. TOADRUNNER
Toadrunner has legs like tree trunks due to all the running he does. Should do well if he could just steal himself away from all the admiring lady toads along the way!!!
36. BARRY
Barry is bad news. He leaves caos and mayhem wherever he goes. He might look the picture of innocence but is a right little devil. Watch out if Barry's about!! By fair means or foul he will stop at nothing to win!
37. TOBY
Toby the teenager has youth on his side so ought to do well. But being a lazy toad and typical teenager, he might not get out of bed in time to get to the starting line!!
38. JIM BOO
Ladies, if you want to get the latest fashions food or household items (at a knock down price) Jim Boos the man! Could do well here as is quite often seen swimming rapidly away from the odd open backed lorry that has happened by chance, to come to a halt at the pond edge!
39. BIG JACK
Everyone knows Big Jack because, - well he's BIG! Stands out a mile anywhere he goes. Might have a bit of trouble as his weight could be a draw back. Wants to take part because his mate Owd Jack is "having a go"!
40. OWD JACK
Owd Jack is a senior citizen, but don't let that fool you, he's also a national rumba and salsa champion. So there's not much wrong with his old legs. His stamina won't let him down either.
41. ALAN THE GREEN
Alan is raring to go and win the title for all "ladies" in his society. He is a founder member of the Yorkshire Pudding Club which helps young single toads around his lake, bring up their their offspring. Rumour has it that it's Alan that produces them in the first place!
42. SMILING ROBIN
A wonderful, kindly and friendly toad, he loves being with all of his brother and sister toads. To him it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part.
43. YORKSHIRE JACK
Another "senior" toad whose seen a lot of life and lived in the fast lane for most of it! He's no slouch despite his advancing years, a life in the army along the banks of the Limpo-po river has made him very resilient and he remains very fit.
44. EWOOD ROVER
Determined to do something right as he is a bit of a disaster area when it comes to map reading. His sense of direction leaves much to be desired. His has bought a sat nav for the big race so that he can at least get to the river. - Make sure you type in the Thames and not the Tees won't you Ewood??
45. PENTAGRAM JAN
Mystical toad and a bit of a gypsy girl at heart. She claims she can see into the future when she looks into her crystal snail. I asked her who was going to win the race - she said "how the hell do I know!"
46. INKY
Inky has a little shop in the village of Muddy Waters. It nestles next to the local fish shop to the left of the shopping trolley at the bottom of the pond. Inky's shop is in fact a tattoo parlour. He is very proud of his work and makes sure everyone is sober when they have one done - just in case it's a mistake on their part. He has terrible trouble with the Newts I believe!
47. HOT POT
What she doing entering the race? I don't like to cast aspersions but...... She is a lady of disrepute shall we say and I wouldn't think she would have the energy let alone the inclination to swim for four hours down a stretch of the Thames in September! Well you never know she could surprise us all!!!
48. BOUNCER
Happy little toad whose got a good chance this year. He tries so hard and is a great competitor. Lets hope all that training pays off for him this year.
49. FLIPPY
She should be called Dippy - because she is! Convinced she is going to win because her swimming costume is the best! - told you she's dippy!!
50. HELLFIRE
He's a bit of a rebel and belongs to the local Toads Angels gang. Usually seen terrorising the local water fleas from the back of his classic Triumph Aquacycle. The "boys" have made him enter as a punishment for helping an old frog across the pond. (not the done thing for a "tough toad gang member" you see. It's sink or swim time for him!
51. MANGO
Another contender from foreign climes. A bit of a dark horse this one. He comes from the depths of the jungle and looks really fit and lean. Beautiful colouring and will be a hit with all the ladies I'm sure (and some of the men too no doubt.) He's a bit worried about catching a cold though - aww shame!
52. THE RT. HONORABLE MR. TOADIE CREEP
A political front runner. Mover and shaker in the back waters of Westminster.
53. FRED FROTH
Swift imbiber of the best pond water and rather partial to princesses!
54. SIR GODFREY BLAYDON
Thespian toad of the highest order! Fully deserving of his knighthood and hopes to add the Robin Davies Memorial Trophy to his numerous awards that proudly sit upon the mantle piece in his home on the marshes!
55. MERLIN
This toad is a wizard at swimming, he does not need breathing apparatus or any trickery to compete.....the name says it all, he is just bloody magic! If he was good enough for King Arthur of England - he's good enough for me!
56. THE FROG VINCE
Despite pretensions of being Royal, (although known to accept backhanders!), this uprightly mover is good at the breast stroke.
57. BUDWEAZLE
An exile from the American colonies, who has given up advertising inferior lager and is now croaking for CAMRA.
58. PADDE
Latestarter from Saxon times, got here mysteriously via Lake Boldermere!
59. THE NORMAN NOBBLER
Bold, battle weary, brave and British! This old Anglo Saxon toad has defeated many a Norman nincompoop in his time. His never say die attitude will see him through the race - lets hope he takes his armour off first!
60. GORGEOUS GRAHAM
The name says it all, he's a bit of a stunner. His lovely orange gold eyes are something to behold! His warty skin is the talk of the pond and his little webbed feet are to die for! That's all very well - but can he swim!!
61. KNICKERLESS KNICKERSBY
"Old Knick" to his friends. A bit of a devil this one. As the name implies he is very fond a bit of skinny dipping and is rarely seen in swimming trunks. He's sprung out at many a shy lady toad with the full frontal treatment - just for the hell of it. Disgraceful, ............. hope he comes in last actually!
62. HENBANE
Ugh! What a creep! A great pal of Knickerless, which says it all really. Definitely not to be trusted, all in all a very poisonous character - give him a wide berth!
63. SLOBBERGOBSKI
Possibly the only Russian toad ever to compete over here in Blighty! He is a veteran in his own country, winning countless races on the mighty Volga. The Russians are counting on him to bring home the spoils. He is fluent in both Russian and English Toad , so no communication problems should arise. Hmmm I can think of one or two words ending in "off" that he might understand then! - sorry fellow toads, but that last comment was from The Norman Nobbler (doesn't like anyone who comes from a foreign clime - it reminds him of the Invasion in 1066!)
64. STREAKER
No, not another naturist thankfully!! He has earned his name due to his supersonic speed. The watter holds no fear for him (good job seeing as his a toad!) He hails from Yorkshire, as does Knickerless and Henbane, so it's no wonder he is supersonic - when that tripe and onions kicks in stand by for blast off..................!
65. MACCA
Well where else could this little beauty come from but Liverpool! This friendly little toad has spent many a night avoiding the ferry across the Mersey! (I feel a song coming on...!) So he's nifty, but may have a bit off trouble swimming in a straight line.
66. GRIZELDA GRIMWEED
Most toads steer clear of Grizelda, she dabbles in the occult, they are terrified she will turn one of them into a Prince! Lets hope she keeps the hocus pocus at home on the day of the race or there will be trouble (in fact - dare I say it - hubble - bubble toil and trouble I should think!!!)
67. HUMPHREY
What a stunner! Humphrey is the local pin-up. He models various country pursuit outfits. Legend has it that he once posed on a clump of buttercups wearing nothing but a strategically placed bit of duckweed and a pair of wellies - nice one Hump!
68. MAUD MOAT
Maud sings folk songs with her band "The Sticklebacks" down at the local hostelry. She is a strong swimmer and has a good chance of winning this race.
69. EVA VON HOCK
Eva is a German exchange student and is attending the English Toad speaking School on the river Avon. She is a champion mud-wrestler back in her native Germany and likes the odd lager or two!
70. DREDGER
Now, this fella is one of the favourites, but only if he keeps on top of the water and not ferreting about on the bottom of the river. His life consists of "dredging" the depths to find any old bit of rubbish that he can. Be it an old inner tube, empty can of beer, the odd wedding ring etc. etc. You see in human terms he would be Harold Steptoe. His little hovel down by the weir is full of "treasure" (well that's what he calls it.)
71. TOADY O'FLATLEY
Twinkle toes O'Flatley is a dancer of some repute. He specializes in country dancing and gives a whole new meaning to The River Dance when he does it!
72. STINKY SIMPSON
Stinky, unfortunately has his home right next to the sewage outlet pipe. He is a very lonely toad (I wonder why!!!) His entry into the big race has also caused a bit of a stink as no one wants to get drawn next to him on the start line!
73. PROFFESSOR CLARENCE CODPIECE
An expert in water navigation and exotic pond plants, some competitors don't think he should be allowed to race as he has an unfair advantage. Well unless he hops on to a passing barge I can't see the old boy (he's 95 you know) giving them too much trouble!
74. T7
His real name is Terence Trubshaw. He very sadly lost a little finger in a fight with a pike one Sunday afternoon whilst fly fishing. His mates got fed up with saying "There's Terry Trubshaw The Three Toed Toad!" So they just say there's T7 now! He won't let his disability get him down though he is up to the challenge this year.
75. HUBERT WORMSUCKER
A gastronome, gourmet and general bon viveur is Hubert. Judging by the size of him he is more likely to sink than swim, but he is taking it seriously, mainly because there's a nosh up for all contestants at the end of the competition and he intends to be included in it.
76. NATTERJACK
He and Touchwood are great friends. Last year Natter was on holiday downstream at Westbourne woods by the lake so he couldn't compete. This year though he has been to the gym down at boggy bottom and is going to give it is all - aw bless!
77. GAWD BLIMEY GEORGE
George is a Londoner and is very proud of it. He is a bit of a spiv and can get any thing you want on the black market. Come rain or shine he wears his big poachers jacket with the big pockets round the back which usually contain contraband of some kind or other! Everyone who seem him says "gawd blimey George what 'ave you got under there?"
78. MICKEY FINN
Mickey works in the pub called The Tipsy Toad, he is a bit of a rogue and will do anything for a bet! Well we all bet he will up to no good come race day. Keep you eyes peeled for signs of bubbles coming from mini outboard motors and the like.
79. PADDYWACK
Paddy is a special girl, she is a lead violinist with the Toadamonic orchestra and plays beautifully. She is also a fellow of the Water boatman Appreciation Society. If she swims as well as she plays - watch out everyone!
80. HEDGY
Another musical toad and a very sporty one as well. She sings with the Frog Chorus down at Boggy Bottom. She also plays croquet on the river bed and is a champion diver at the local waterfall in Mrs. Trumpington's garden!
81. GARFIELD
Garfield is entering under protest! He has been nominated by his fellow Toadarians on the Charity committee. The trouble is that Garfield is a walking sterile area! He is fastidiously clean and very dapper. The thought of plunging into the dirty, murky depths of the Thames fills him with disgust! Still, he has booked himself into "The Glowing Toad" health and beauty spa immediately after the event to make sure his is back to his pristine self as soon as he possibly can!
82. BOB HOPE
Bob, is one of 5 brothers, all of which are taking part in the race. Bob is the comedian of the family and will be doing his best to put every one off by telling terrible jokes along the way.
83. NO HOPE
No, is a bit on the thick side, but what he lacks in brains, he makes up for in brawn. If he ever actually understands what he is suppose to be doing when he gets there, he could cause a bit of an upset!
84. SOME HOPE
Now this fellow is quite different from his brothers, as he is quite intelligent and actually works for a living. He works at Squiffy Dungballs Worm Pie Factory. Think "Harry Ramsdens" in toad terms and you will understand that this is very posh nosh!
85. PAST HOPE
This brother is an archeologist and historian, hence the nickname "Past" Hope. Totally immersed in his profession he quite literally lives in the past and is completely fascinated by it. His brothers know that he has only entered so that he can see if there are any ancient relics lying on the river bed for him to discover. (that doesn't include you Lady Lav!)
86. ABANDON HOPE
Well there isn't too much to say about this one, he is the oldest of the brothers and has lived his life in the upturned flower pot by the yellow flag Irises in the shallows of Cess Pit Pond. He is the most depressing toad you could ever wish to meet. Why he has entered no one can fathom as all he has said since signing his entrance form is "I expect I'll drown, or I might get cramp and sink to the bottom, or it's bound be too cold for me and stop my circulation! Oh do please cheer up a bit mate!!
87. BUBBLES
Ah, dear old Bubbles has returned to fight again this year. She is determined to hammer the opposition this time despite a poor position last year. Steer clear of those flippin great swans this time Bubbles!
88. SAUSAGE
Sausage did rather well last year, trouble is she is SO easily distracted. She wants to prove that she isn't just a flash in the pan. (more like a toad in the hole actually!)
88. TOADALLY USELESS
She tries so hard, its such a shame. But there's no two ways about it - she IS toadally useless! She has been having secret swimming lessons with Horace Coochgrass. He once doubled for Johnny Toadmuller in the epic film drama "Tarzan - Toad of the Water shoot " (Bridlington branch!) You've got a challenge their old boy. If she still fails in the water, perhaps she could try swinging through the bull rushes, croaking at the top of her voice. You have got to admire her determination to prove that she can do SOMETHING right!
89. CHLOE
Chloe heard that it was indeed a lady toad that won last years race and this has inspired her to have a go herself. She has undergone therapy since she was a tadpole because she was born afraid of water (not good for a toad!) but this will be her ultimate challenge to prove that she is now a perfectly normal little toad with no watery hangs ups whatsoever. Good Luck Chloe!
90. SPLODGE
Splodge is a gentle giant. He is everyone's friend (whether they want him to be or not!) He spends most of his days moving large boulders at the bottom of the pond to make way for Ribbett and Ribbett Construction Ltd. Who make affordable watery homes for all aquatic life.
Distinguished officer in the TA (Toad Army) expert in the field - and not bad in the pond either!
2. LADY LAVINIA (don't call me Lav...) LONGSHANKS
Twin sister to last years winner Lady Letitia (now retired from all competitive events and social activities after her failed love affair with James Fortescue-Smythe in Devon.) He couldn't stand the stinking cigars and boozy excesses! Lady Lav on the other hand (oops sorry- Lady Lavinia) is rather more refined, although certainly not afraid to let her self go under the right circumstances. There are things in her past that she prefers not to talk about, so she's a bit of an unknown quantity. Let's see if she matches up to her sister!
3. KING LEAR
A veritable veteran to stand in awe of. Has delusions of grandeur, but not quite lost his marbles completely yet!
4. WESLEY SNETTERTON
A middle-aged toad who loves knitting! An unfortunate medical condition has earned him the name of "Windy Wesley" or, more cruelly knit one, pearl one, drop one Snetterton!!
5. THE REVERAND THADDEUS (tad for short) POLE
Local vicar of Great Weed-on-the Water parish pond. Did a remarkable impression of Madonna when called upon at the local talent contest - some suggested he has missed his true vocation!
6. ADAM
Young, good looking toad hoping to do well in the race this year.
7. SOPHIE
Sister to Adam, lovely girl who is a natural swimmer and will be one to watch out for!
8. GROUCHY
A miserable old sod, first cousin to Giant Hogweed, despite being close relatives, they have always detested one another. Each one was furious to learn that the other had entered the race. It will be "flippers at dawn" Watch out for the ensuing slime-bath.
9. GIANT HOGWEED
Oh yes, he's back (Gawd 'elp us) and determined to do well after his poor showing last year and desperate to reclaim at least some of his former dignity (aw please!!!) Not so cocky this time after having to put up with lots of snide remarks from his former underlings. Won't last though - he never learns.
10. GLORIA BICKERSDYKE
Stout and robust! A champion wood-louse hurler and a member of the ladies ant-spitting team. Be afraid! Be very afraid - she means business!
11. PERCY
Or "Pugnacious Perce" as he is better known in toad society. A real barnstormer with a nose for trouble. A force to be reckoned with never the less!
12. AGGIE
She has not got a CV - what does that tell you!! Just for the record though, she has rolled up her sleeves, flexed her not inconsiderable biceps and is wearing a face that would terrify Hannibal Lecter! - eeeek
13. KUHLWALDA
A close relative of Touchwood, he's back again to try to uphold the family name!
14. CLIMER
Comes from the tropical rain forests and will be here on holiday in September, so thought he would "have a go" in the Thames race.
15. BLACKBERRY
She is a thoroughly modern toad and has all the latest gadgets. Very snappy dresser and likes the thought of a challenge.
16. JUMPER
Rather large toad, but that doesn't stop him in the entering the competition. It's all muscle he said - yeah right!
17. TOADIE
Toadie by name, toadie by nature! A bit of a sneaky one this. He will stop at nothing to win, by foul means or fair!
18. RICHARD
Richard owns a little shop down the high street, called "Dick's Delights." No toad bakes a better bloomer than Dick and his strawberry tarts are out of this world.
19. HOPE
A sweet generous little toad. She loves swimming, and hopes to do well, but such is her nature, she will be delighted to just take part, winning to her isn't everything.
20. ESMERALDA
A bit of a gypsy this girl. She wanders from town to town with her little band of performing toads. Cross her little webbed foot with silver and she will tell you your fortune.
21. PEPPER
Hails from the south of Italy, so his friends call him Pepperoni! Typical swarthy good looking toad. Walks with a bit of a swagger! His eye for the ladies could be a bit of a draw back, his concentration on race day will be elsewhere!!
22. MOONLIGHT
Moonlight is a bit of a crooner in the local pub. Sounds relatively pleasant until the locals ply her with vodka. The act rapidly goes down hill after that.
23. PAUL GORDON
A shy silent type that hails from Bonny Scotland. This young toad from North of the border thinks actions speak louder than words - watch out come race day!
24. WATER LILY SAVAGE
She's a bit of a tarty type, rather common but thinks she will win hands down! Trouble is once that big blonde wig gets wet water lily dear - I'm not so sure!
25. TOAD O'GRADY
Has many similarities to water lily above, but thinks he has a fighting chance of winning as Bobbing Buster is his trainer.
26. PIGEON TOAD
Lacking in grace on the land and is rather a shy toad BUT once in the water he's a lean, mean, swimming machine and toadally awesome!!
27. S'TOAD AWAY
Likes to travel on the cheap - overseas usually. Loves to mingle but will probably keep a low profile until the start of the race! - Could that be because the Sweeney Toad is after you for not paying your fare old bean!!
28. JOLANDE
Jolande is a remarkable lady. She finds time to look after Hans her husband and her children and yet still finds time to train for this prestigious event. She won't be traveling here just to enjoy the scenery folks - she means business!
29. JESSIE
Young Jesse is Hans' daughter. She is so impressed with Jolande's determination, that she wants to have a go herself - well done.
30. PIM
Well, not to be missed out, Pim, son of Hans, wants to be included in all the fun, so he has taken up extra training sessions under the watchful eye of Walter Webfoot one of the country's finest swimmers! He is going to give his sister a run for her money! He is not sure that he can match Jolande though!
31. DRONGO
Little Aussy toad, maybe two sandwiches short of a picnic BUT boy can he swim, King of the billabongs. Can he cope with the Thames though? We will see!
32. RIPPER and 33. BONZA
Two lovely boys, also from down under. They auditioned once for the musical "Priscilla Queen Of The Desert" but were disappointed to hear that they weren't actually going to wear a tiara so decided to give it a miss!
34. DAPHNE FARQUAHARSON
Don't be fooled by the posh name, this girl is rather common actually. Her party piece is quoting the most vulgar limericks she can come up with - quite disgraceful (apart from the one that started "There was a young toady called Tilly......... I won't say anymore!)
35. TOADRUNNER
Toadrunner has legs like tree trunks due to all the running he does. Should do well if he could just steal himself away from all the admiring lady toads along the way!!!
36. BARRY
Barry is bad news. He leaves caos and mayhem wherever he goes. He might look the picture of innocence but is a right little devil. Watch out if Barry's about!! By fair means or foul he will stop at nothing to win!
37. TOBY
Toby the teenager has youth on his side so ought to do well. But being a lazy toad and typical teenager, he might not get out of bed in time to get to the starting line!!
38. JIM BOO
Ladies, if you want to get the latest fashions food or household items (at a knock down price) Jim Boos the man! Could do well here as is quite often seen swimming rapidly away from the odd open backed lorry that has happened by chance, to come to a halt at the pond edge!
39. BIG JACK
Everyone knows Big Jack because, - well he's BIG! Stands out a mile anywhere he goes. Might have a bit of trouble as his weight could be a draw back. Wants to take part because his mate Owd Jack is "having a go"!
40. OWD JACK
Owd Jack is a senior citizen, but don't let that fool you, he's also a national rumba and salsa champion. So there's not much wrong with his old legs. His stamina won't let him down either.
41. ALAN THE GREEN
Alan is raring to go and win the title for all "ladies" in his society. He is a founder member of the Yorkshire Pudding Club which helps young single toads around his lake, bring up their their offspring. Rumour has it that it's Alan that produces them in the first place!
42. SMILING ROBIN
A wonderful, kindly and friendly toad, he loves being with all of his brother and sister toads. To him it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part.
43. YORKSHIRE JACK
Another "senior" toad whose seen a lot of life and lived in the fast lane for most of it! He's no slouch despite his advancing years, a life in the army along the banks of the Limpo-po river has made him very resilient and he remains very fit.
44. EWOOD ROVER
Determined to do something right as he is a bit of a disaster area when it comes to map reading. His sense of direction leaves much to be desired. His has bought a sat nav for the big race so that he can at least get to the river. - Make sure you type in the Thames and not the Tees won't you Ewood??
45. PENTAGRAM JAN
Mystical toad and a bit of a gypsy girl at heart. She claims she can see into the future when she looks into her crystal snail. I asked her who was going to win the race - she said "how the hell do I know!"
46. INKY
Inky has a little shop in the village of Muddy Waters. It nestles next to the local fish shop to the left of the shopping trolley at the bottom of the pond. Inky's shop is in fact a tattoo parlour. He is very proud of his work and makes sure everyone is sober when they have one done - just in case it's a mistake on their part. He has terrible trouble with the Newts I believe!
47. HOT POT
What she doing entering the race? I don't like to cast aspersions but...... She is a lady of disrepute shall we say and I wouldn't think she would have the energy let alone the inclination to swim for four hours down a stretch of the Thames in September! Well you never know she could surprise us all!!!
48. BOUNCER
Happy little toad whose got a good chance this year. He tries so hard and is a great competitor. Lets hope all that training pays off for him this year.
49. FLIPPY
She should be called Dippy - because she is! Convinced she is going to win because her swimming costume is the best! - told you she's dippy!!
50. HELLFIRE
He's a bit of a rebel and belongs to the local Toads Angels gang. Usually seen terrorising the local water fleas from the back of his classic Triumph Aquacycle. The "boys" have made him enter as a punishment for helping an old frog across the pond. (not the done thing for a "tough toad gang member" you see. It's sink or swim time for him!
51. MANGO
Another contender from foreign climes. A bit of a dark horse this one. He comes from the depths of the jungle and looks really fit and lean. Beautiful colouring and will be a hit with all the ladies I'm sure (and some of the men too no doubt.) He's a bit worried about catching a cold though - aww shame!
52. THE RT. HONORABLE MR. TOADIE CREEP
A political front runner. Mover and shaker in the back waters of Westminster.
53. FRED FROTH
Swift imbiber of the best pond water and rather partial to princesses!
54. SIR GODFREY BLAYDON
Thespian toad of the highest order! Fully deserving of his knighthood and hopes to add the Robin Davies Memorial Trophy to his numerous awards that proudly sit upon the mantle piece in his home on the marshes!
55. MERLIN
This toad is a wizard at swimming, he does not need breathing apparatus or any trickery to compete.....the name says it all, he is just bloody magic! If he was good enough for King Arthur of England - he's good enough for me!
56. THE FROG VINCE
Despite pretensions of being Royal, (although known to accept backhanders!), this uprightly mover is good at the breast stroke.
57. BUDWEAZLE
An exile from the American colonies, who has given up advertising inferior lager and is now croaking for CAMRA.
58. PADDE
Latestarter from Saxon times, got here mysteriously via Lake Boldermere!
59. THE NORMAN NOBBLER
Bold, battle weary, brave and British! This old Anglo Saxon toad has defeated many a Norman nincompoop in his time. His never say die attitude will see him through the race - lets hope he takes his armour off first!
60. GORGEOUS GRAHAM
The name says it all, he's a bit of a stunner. His lovely orange gold eyes are something to behold! His warty skin is the talk of the pond and his little webbed feet are to die for! That's all very well - but can he swim!!
61. KNICKERLESS KNICKERSBY
"Old Knick" to his friends. A bit of a devil this one. As the name implies he is very fond a bit of skinny dipping and is rarely seen in swimming trunks. He's sprung out at many a shy lady toad with the full frontal treatment - just for the hell of it. Disgraceful, ............. hope he comes in last actually!
62. HENBANE
Ugh! What a creep! A great pal of Knickerless, which says it all really. Definitely not to be trusted, all in all a very poisonous character - give him a wide berth!
63. SLOBBERGOBSKI
Possibly the only Russian toad ever to compete over here in Blighty! He is a veteran in his own country, winning countless races on the mighty Volga. The Russians are counting on him to bring home the spoils. He is fluent in both Russian and English Toad , so no communication problems should arise. Hmmm I can think of one or two words ending in "off" that he might understand then! - sorry fellow toads, but that last comment was from The Norman Nobbler (doesn't like anyone who comes from a foreign clime - it reminds him of the Invasion in 1066!)
64. STREAKER
No, not another naturist thankfully!! He has earned his name due to his supersonic speed. The watter holds no fear for him (good job seeing as his a toad!) He hails from Yorkshire, as does Knickerless and Henbane, so it's no wonder he is supersonic - when that tripe and onions kicks in stand by for blast off..................!
65. MACCA
Well where else could this little beauty come from but Liverpool! This friendly little toad has spent many a night avoiding the ferry across the Mersey! (I feel a song coming on...!) So he's nifty, but may have a bit off trouble swimming in a straight line.
66. GRIZELDA GRIMWEED
Most toads steer clear of Grizelda, she dabbles in the occult, they are terrified she will turn one of them into a Prince! Lets hope she keeps the hocus pocus at home on the day of the race or there will be trouble (in fact - dare I say it - hubble - bubble toil and trouble I should think!!!)
67. HUMPHREY
What a stunner! Humphrey is the local pin-up. He models various country pursuit outfits. Legend has it that he once posed on a clump of buttercups wearing nothing but a strategically placed bit of duckweed and a pair of wellies - nice one Hump!
68. MAUD MOAT
Maud sings folk songs with her band "The Sticklebacks" down at the local hostelry. She is a strong swimmer and has a good chance of winning this race.
69. EVA VON HOCK
Eva is a German exchange student and is attending the English Toad speaking School on the river Avon. She is a champion mud-wrestler back in her native Germany and likes the odd lager or two!
70. DREDGER
Now, this fella is one of the favourites, but only if he keeps on top of the water and not ferreting about on the bottom of the river. His life consists of "dredging" the depths to find any old bit of rubbish that he can. Be it an old inner tube, empty can of beer, the odd wedding ring etc. etc. You see in human terms he would be Harold Steptoe. His little hovel down by the weir is full of "treasure" (well that's what he calls it.)
71. TOADY O'FLATLEY
Twinkle toes O'Flatley is a dancer of some repute. He specializes in country dancing and gives a whole new meaning to The River Dance when he does it!
72. STINKY SIMPSON
Stinky, unfortunately has his home right next to the sewage outlet pipe. He is a very lonely toad (I wonder why!!!) His entry into the big race has also caused a bit of a stink as no one wants to get drawn next to him on the start line!
73. PROFFESSOR CLARENCE CODPIECE
An expert in water navigation and exotic pond plants, some competitors don't think he should be allowed to race as he has an unfair advantage. Well unless he hops on to a passing barge I can't see the old boy (he's 95 you know) giving them too much trouble!
74. T7
His real name is Terence Trubshaw. He very sadly lost a little finger in a fight with a pike one Sunday afternoon whilst fly fishing. His mates got fed up with saying "There's Terry Trubshaw The Three Toed Toad!" So they just say there's T7 now! He won't let his disability get him down though he is up to the challenge this year.
75. HUBERT WORMSUCKER
A gastronome, gourmet and general bon viveur is Hubert. Judging by the size of him he is more likely to sink than swim, but he is taking it seriously, mainly because there's a nosh up for all contestants at the end of the competition and he intends to be included in it.
76. NATTERJACK
He and Touchwood are great friends. Last year Natter was on holiday downstream at Westbourne woods by the lake so he couldn't compete. This year though he has been to the gym down at boggy bottom and is going to give it is all - aw bless!
77. GAWD BLIMEY GEORGE
George is a Londoner and is very proud of it. He is a bit of a spiv and can get any thing you want on the black market. Come rain or shine he wears his big poachers jacket with the big pockets round the back which usually contain contraband of some kind or other! Everyone who seem him says "gawd blimey George what 'ave you got under there?"
78. MICKEY FINN
Mickey works in the pub called The Tipsy Toad, he is a bit of a rogue and will do anything for a bet! Well we all bet he will up to no good come race day. Keep you eyes peeled for signs of bubbles coming from mini outboard motors and the like.
79. PADDYWACK
Paddy is a special girl, she is a lead violinist with the Toadamonic orchestra and plays beautifully. She is also a fellow of the Water boatman Appreciation Society. If she swims as well as she plays - watch out everyone!
80. HEDGY
Another musical toad and a very sporty one as well. She sings with the Frog Chorus down at Boggy Bottom. She also plays croquet on the river bed and is a champion diver at the local waterfall in Mrs. Trumpington's garden!
81. GARFIELD
Garfield is entering under protest! He has been nominated by his fellow Toadarians on the Charity committee. The trouble is that Garfield is a walking sterile area! He is fastidiously clean and very dapper. The thought of plunging into the dirty, murky depths of the Thames fills him with disgust! Still, he has booked himself into "The Glowing Toad" health and beauty spa immediately after the event to make sure his is back to his pristine self as soon as he possibly can!
82. BOB HOPE
Bob, is one of 5 brothers, all of which are taking part in the race. Bob is the comedian of the family and will be doing his best to put every one off by telling terrible jokes along the way.
83. NO HOPE
No, is a bit on the thick side, but what he lacks in brains, he makes up for in brawn. If he ever actually understands what he is suppose to be doing when he gets there, he could cause a bit of an upset!
84. SOME HOPE
Now this fellow is quite different from his brothers, as he is quite intelligent and actually works for a living. He works at Squiffy Dungballs Worm Pie Factory. Think "Harry Ramsdens" in toad terms and you will understand that this is very posh nosh!
85. PAST HOPE
This brother is an archeologist and historian, hence the nickname "Past" Hope. Totally immersed in his profession he quite literally lives in the past and is completely fascinated by it. His brothers know that he has only entered so that he can see if there are any ancient relics lying on the river bed for him to discover. (that doesn't include you Lady Lav!)
86. ABANDON HOPE
Well there isn't too much to say about this one, he is the oldest of the brothers and has lived his life in the upturned flower pot by the yellow flag Irises in the shallows of Cess Pit Pond. He is the most depressing toad you could ever wish to meet. Why he has entered no one can fathom as all he has said since signing his entrance form is "I expect I'll drown, or I might get cramp and sink to the bottom, or it's bound be too cold for me and stop my circulation! Oh do please cheer up a bit mate!!
87. BUBBLES
Ah, dear old Bubbles has returned to fight again this year. She is determined to hammer the opposition this time despite a poor position last year. Steer clear of those flippin great swans this time Bubbles!
88. SAUSAGE
Sausage did rather well last year, trouble is she is SO easily distracted. She wants to prove that she isn't just a flash in the pan. (more like a toad in the hole actually!)
88. TOADALLY USELESS
She tries so hard, its such a shame. But there's no two ways about it - she IS toadally useless! She has been having secret swimming lessons with Horace Coochgrass. He once doubled for Johnny Toadmuller in the epic film drama "Tarzan - Toad of the Water shoot " (Bridlington branch!) You've got a challenge their old boy. If she still fails in the water, perhaps she could try swinging through the bull rushes, croaking at the top of her voice. You have got to admire her determination to prove that she can do SOMETHING right!
89. CHLOE
Chloe heard that it was indeed a lady toad that won last years race and this has inspired her to have a go herself. She has undergone therapy since she was a tadpole because she was born afraid of water (not good for a toad!) but this will be her ultimate challenge to prove that she is now a perfectly normal little toad with no watery hangs ups whatsoever. Good Luck Chloe!
90. SPLODGE
Splodge is a gentle giant. He is everyone's friend (whether they want him to be or not!) He spends most of his days moving large boulders at the bottom of the pond to make way for Ribbett and Ribbett Construction Ltd. Who make affordable watery homes for all aquatic life.
www.thegreatbritishduckrace.co.uk
Check out the annual race and pictures on this website